Cherries
by derp for brains
Summary: Buying cherries for the human manifestation of the Kyuubi no Kitsune seems to bring Naruto a lot more trouble than it's worth. And then some. Partly crack.
1. Buying Cherries

**Cherries**

* * *

**Chapter One – Buying Cherries**

* * *

"You want me to what?" Naruto asked incredulously to the rather attractive teenage girl who sat on the edge of his bed.

Said girl was only a few inches taller than Naruto, though that wasn't a very huge feat, and had long, scarlet hair that descended to her lower back. A pair of red, white-tipped fox ears sat on top of her head, which Naruto considered to be cute. She filled out in all the right places, and though Naruto's head would sometimes hang so he could gaze at her... assets, her vulpine, crimson eyes would remind him otherwise. All she wore was a plain white T-shirt that Naruto had in his closet. It was two sizes too big for him, but somehow it seemed to suit her just fine.

Above all, she was evidently the Kyuubi, what with the nine tails sticking out from where the tail bone is. Each of her flailing appendages seemed to have minds of their own. As to how she had managed to manifest herself outside of her container, she dully explained that the Yondaime's seal had merely worn away, as it had been ever since Naruto had first come into contact with his tenant when he was pushed down a gorge by Jiraiya.

After getting acquainted, Naruto didn't have the chance to ask any other questions, since at the moment, she was asking him to...

"Buy me some cherries. A lot of them. Eleven crates, in fact. And make sure they're top quality."

"Oh," Naruto chuckled nervously, rubbing the back of his head. "I thought you said—ELEVEN? Cherries? Kyuubi-san, why—"

"Didn't I tell you to call me _Foxy-kun_ earlier?" Naruto twitched visibly at the name, to the fox lady's delight. "As for why the cherries, I just like them, is all. Now go, before I castrate you."

Naruto stared at her confusedly. "I don't know what that means!"

"It means I'll cut your balls off. Now get outta here and get my cherries, I'm losing my patience with you." Naruto gulped. He'd rather get eleven cases of cherries than get his balls chopped off. As he stiffly approached the door to his apartment, he remembered...

"Are you sure you'll be fine here, Kyuubi-san—"

Glare.

"—err, _Foxy-kun_—"

Tee-hee!

"I mean, someone could come by and..."

Kyuubi stopped him there.

"I'm a Kitsune."

"Bu—"

"I said, 'I'm a Kitsune, I can handle myself.'"

"You didn't say that last part before—"

One of Kyuubi's tails brandished a rusty butcher's knife.

The door promptly slammed shut and Naruto was gone.

* * *

Naruto grimaced as he looked at the price for one crate of high quality cherries. There was no other store that had cases of anything, and ironically, there were only eleven cases left of the stuff at this particular joint.

He checked his wallet, Gama-chan, and then the price tag. He sighed in defeat and swallowed his pride, remembering the rusty butcher's knife that had suddenly appeared in one of Kyuubi's—or _Foxy-kun_, as she so liked to be called (Naruto thought it was because it turned her on in some strange way by calling her that)—tails.

It was all for a good cause, wasn't it?

For the good of his future children...

--

Sasuke was busy walking around town, apparently in the midst of food shopping.

That and he had run out of Irish Spring brand soap, so it was the perfect opportunity to combine the two into one shopping run.

Having purchased his necessary bathing products and a few cans of whipped cream, he stopped by Fruit Mart (which apparently 'served all your fruity needs', a slogan which made Sasuke cringe every time he looked at the sign) for some, well you guessed it, FRUIT!

Well, cherries, to be exact.

He was in love with the blood red fruit, always combining them with whipped cream for eating as well as adding to the dirty (not to mention scandalous) pictures he took of himself, which were forwarded to Calamity Flair magazine under an alias. The pay he received from the photos was primarily used for his rent to his condo, though the rest was also used for buying more cherries, among other things.

For safety measures, considering the awkwardness of his side job which questioned his sexuality, he wrote a note to himself which stated:

_Dear Sasuke,_

_This is a note to yourself, explaining that you are not gay. You just think you are. Want proof it's me? Fine. Your worst fear is getting your eyes torn out by that turkey (and having them used by said poultry, so dubbed, 'Sharingan Turkey') you roasted ALIVE last Thanksgiving._

_Love eternally,  
Your wonderful self_

Upon entering the store, he noticed several Naruto clones hauling crates of cherries out of the store. Each one of the clones acknowledged his arrival at the scene with variants of "Hey, Sasuke!", "What's up, Sasuke-teme?" and "Hey, sexy!"

The last of which he responded to with by stabbing the clone in the eye with a chakra charged index finger, making it disappear in a cloud of smoke.

"That must have been a gay clone..." A phenomenon. Or Sasuke's occasional 'gay vision'.

Sasuke watched with heavy eyelids as the last Naruto clone slipped out of the shop.

The real Naruto trudged up to him, lamenting his now barely filled wallet.

"Naruto... why have you bought all of the cherries? Don't you have any consideration for other customers, namely... ME?" Sasuke had taken Naruto by the shoulders and was shaking him furiously, his Sharingan activated.

"St-ah-op sh-ay-king me-e!"

Sasuke yielded his assault and looked the dizzy Naruto in the eyes. "Now why have you taken all the cherries? ANSWER ME!" He roared, the fire clear in his own onyx orbs.

Naruto shook his head free of his slight case of vertigo. "Because I don't want my balls to be cut off!" The blond gasped and held his hands over his mouth, realizing he had said too much and immediately freed himself of his teammate's grasp, bounding off towards his apartment. "See ya later, gotta go, Sasuke!"

Sasuke scratched his head confusedly. What did cherries have to do with his teammate's balls getting cut off? Of course, he didn't have any time to think about Naruto and his castration issues, he would tell someone at a later time, as he needed cherries, and he needed them NOW!

--

As Shikamaru and Chouji passed by and greeted a frantic Sasuke, who returned their greetings by flipping them off and muttering something about finding cherries in this 'godforsaken village', they saw a parade of Naruto clones in the distance, with crates filled with the fleshy fruits, and the real Naruto off to the side, directing their movement.

When asked by Chouji if they should follow the train of jumpsuit wearing blondes, Shikamaru merely shrugged and with that, they slowly trailed Naruto and his cherry horde.

* * *

Ino was surprised to see Sasuke wandering into her family's flower shop. After all, he didn't ever seem to take interest in anything, except for fighting strong opponents and whatnot.

_Probably gay_, she speculated gloomily.

The Uchiha was occupying himself by inspecting different flowers, _at snail's pace_, Ino noted.

So she decided to take matters into her own hands and walked over to the boy. She tapped him on the shoulder, making him jump around to face her in a defensive stance, startled.

"Oh, it's just you Ino."

Taken aback, Ino refrained from letting an eye twitch. _Just you, Ino? What a douche_—before Ino let her emotions get the best of her, she cleared her throat and asked in a sweet tone, "Hello to you too, Sasuke-kun! What are you looking for, might I ask?"

Sasuke coughed into his fist lightly. "Well, I know this is a flower shop and all, but would you happen to have any cherries?"

Ino raised an eyebrow curiously at the boy. _No one can seriously be this stupid._ Then she thought of Naruto for some reason. _On second thought..._ "Uh, we have cherry _blossoms_, but not cherries... What do you need cherries for, anyway?"

Sasuke bit his lip. He had hoped she wouldn't ask that. "Hn... Um. I just need cherries. Naruto bought all of the ones at Fruit Mart."

"Naruto bought them? All eleven cases that were left?"

Sasuke stared at her darkly. _What is that stuff, common knowledge?_

"What the heck for?" Ino asked, absentmindedly taking a rose from the wall display and twirling it in between her thumb and index finger.

Sasuke shrugged. He actually knew, but he was just lying so she wouldn't ask anymore needless questions.

Oh well, the other blond and his crazy purchases could wait. Ino wasn't about to let the answer to her previous question slip her by.

"So... what do _you _need cherries for?"

Sasuke gritted his teeth. He had hoped she wouldn't ask that question.

_Again_.

"I just uh—gotta go, see ya!" With that, he ran out of the shop, leaving a confused Ino in his wake. She couldn't know about the pictures for Calamity Flair, otherwise she and the other hounds—er, fangirls of his would be on him like, well, the hounds they were!

Ino rubbed her chin. "What's gotten him so flustered? I was just asking a simple question... Maybe I can tail him and see what's going on... but the shop..." She checked her watch and shortly pumped a fist into the air. "Is closed!"

* * *

"And that's the last of 'em... Happy?" Naruto gave a complacent grin as he stood in front of Kyuubi as the last crate was dropped on the floor by a clone which disappeared as its job was done.

The kitsune took a cherry from one of the crates and popped it into her mouth. She hummed in delight, "Mhmm!"

Naruto gave her a thumbs up as he took to the kitchen for some instant ramen. When he came back shortly afterwards, he was astonished to see that...

"Y-you... finished all of them already?" Naruto stammered, his eye as well as the corner of his mouth twitching.

Kyuubi nodded pertly.

"H-how?" The fox demon waved her hands and tails in the air, leading Naruto to nod understandingly. "So that's why you wanted eleven crates... But um, where are the seeds?"

A moment of silence.

Soon after, Naruto pointed a shaky index finger at the girl. "Y-you mean... you swallowed...?"

"Yep!" She nodded and licked her lips contently, winking at her container perversely in the process.

Naruto twitched visibly as a light hue of pink appeared on his face.

--

Shikamaru shook his head as Naruto fell to the ground, finally getting the gist of whatever it was he was so flustered about. He and Chouji were crouched down below Naruto's apartment window, spying on their fellow genin.

"So, who's the redhead?" Chouji asked, spewing a few bits of potato chips into his teammate's hair as he spoke. Shikamaru ruffled through his hair, disgustedly flinging the bits out. "Erm, sorry Shikamaru!"

"That's fine. As for the girl... I don't know. Maybe his girlfriend or something? But I haven't seen her around, ever, and Naruto's never mentioned a girlfriend, always trying to get with Sakura, who Ino is always having bitch fights with their precious 'Sasuke-kun'... Of course, we'll have to ask Naruto about this... but then he'll accuse us of spying on him and then we'll have to justify our actions and you know what? Let's just drop it. It's too troublesome." Shikamaru's lips eventually drew into something resembling a pout, as if he really wanted to know what Naruto's affiliation with the mysterious new girl was.

Suddenly, he closed his eyes and started to rub his temples. He was starting to become like Ino, that troublesome girl, rubbing her nosy tendencies off on him and maybe even Chouji...

One might've found it odd for the duo not to notice the girl's blatant fox attributes, but as a precaution, she decided to cloak those appendages of hers with fox magic, giving her the appearance of a regular—albeit abnormally busty—teenage girl.

Chouji frowned at his best friend. "But we're gonna have to find out sometime!"

Shikamaru sighed in exasperation and nodded slowly in agreement. "Right, right... but if that's going to happen, we should do it within a group... so he won't suspect us two and just think that we're all in it together and all that stuff..."

"So shouldn't we go tell Ino?" Shikamaru shook his head.

"No, the flower shop is closed at this time. Knowing her, she's probably searching for Sasuke right about now."

"So who do we...?" Shikamaru didn't need any time to think about who else to inform of this breaking news.

"You tell every genin we know, meaning Kiba, Hinata, the works. And if you happen to spot Ino, just tell her and she'll somehow gather everyone up and everything will fall into place from there." Chouji scratched the side of his head, grabbing a handful of potato chips in one hand.

"Me? What about you?"

"I'll be at home, waiting for you to report back to me. It would be troublesome to look for every genin we know, especially since they could be anywhere in Konoha, you know."

"But I gotta get to my dad's restaurant for dinner soon! Human souls—I mean, pork dumplings are being served tonight!" Shikamaru sighed and threw his head back.

"Well, I guess we'll just not do anything about it today..."

"Ergh... yeah, I guess so..."

So the two members of Team 10 quietly left the scene, getting nothing done about what they saw, as the sky darkened.

"...Wait. Human souls?"

--

"So... um, Foxy-kun... why do I have to call you Foxy-kun in the first place?" Naruto blurted as he carried the wooden crates outside of his apartment door, not noticing a lazy bum and his large cohort making their way back into town.

"Hm, it's kinky," 'Foxy-kun' stated as she combed one of her tails on her container's sofa.

"Uhh… what's that mean?" Naruto drawled slowly in a creeped-out tone, and waited for her response as he walked back into the room, but never got a direct one.

"If you don't know now, you'll never know ever…" She licked her lips and grinned evilly at Naruto as one tail stretched out and wrapped itself around him.

The blond paled as he was pulled closer to her.

As two tails extended to pull the curtains over their windows, she leaned over from her spot on the couch and playfully flicked the boy's nose as she whispered...

"Naruto... _koi_." (Note: Koi means 'love'.)

Apparently, Shikamaru and Chouji left too early.

* * *

Ino peered at Sasuke from a bush as he sullenly dragged his feet into the apartment complex. She quickly walked up into a tree that overlooked Sasuke's balcony, and jumped onto the railed platform.

So this is where he lived, huh? Ino made a mental note to remember this place, should she ever feel like stealing some of Sasuke's undergarments for some unadulterated self-satisfaction.

She crept into the room, _stealthily_, hearing sounds of a television running in what she believed to be the kitchen. Scanning and concluding the area she was in to be her crush's bedroom, she noticed a rather pitiful excuse for a magazine called Calamity Flair, and snatched it off of Sasuke's bed. As she flipped through it, her eyes widened at pictures of Sasuke in..._ suggestive_ poses... naked. His nipples were covered in whipped cream and topped off with cherries.

She noticed that the background resembled the room she was in at the moment.

Ino gulped, her mouth dry.

"Oh my God..." She whispered to herself. Hearing the television being turned off, she frantically stuffed the strange magazine into her shirt and ran off, making a mad dash for home.

As she bounded across the rooftops towards her family's house, she pieced everything together.

Sasuke's desire for cherries?

To take dirty pictures so he could send them to some strange magazine for some unknown reason.

With Naruto purchasing all the cherries, he must be planning to do the same thing! What she would give to see how that turned out... in which case she could combine his photos and Sasuke's and use Photoshop to alter them and—OH!

_It was just too good to be true! _The yaoi fangirl in her squealed. Though she would've much rather preferred someone like Neji to Naruto, it was good enough...

Ino of course, would have to break this juicy bit of info to the other genin girls...

--

Sasuke grumbled as he walked into his bedroom.

His rent had already been paid for the next month, but what about the month after that? With missions that were only for chuunin and jounin alike, he couldn't scrounge up enough money for it, unable to send any good pictures to Calamity Flair without his trademark cherries, since they were a requirement of photos sent to the magazine.

Also, to add insult to injury, his deadline was tomorrow.

As he turned on the television in his room, he noticed that this month's issue of Calamity Flair was missing, and that the balcony's sliding door was open. Some crazy fangirl must have stalked him back to his apartment and probably took the magazine with her...

Sasuke blinked, knowing what would happen with his photos in the hands of one of those..._ things_. It was like rubbing salt in his wounds. And lemons and chainsaws and prostate exams and all the like.

He brought the cans of whipped cream into his room with him. The second-to-last (as far as he knew) Uchiha turned to the blaring television screen.

Uchiha Sasuke would be drowning his sorrows away with whipped cream and late night soap operas.

* * *

The next day, Naruto slowly walked to the front door, leaving a still sleeping Kyuubi on the couch.

It was a rough night yesterday.

Naruto remained half-asleep until he saw his visitors: Shikamaru, Chouji, Kiba, Shino, Lee and Neji. Apparently, Chouji found the two Team 8 and two Team Gai members at his father's bar and grill the night before, and told them of his and Shikamaru's discovery.

"Um... hi, guys!" His fellow Genin were astounded to see the blond ninja in his half-naked glory. And not half-naked as in the upper body exposed, half-naked as in...

"NARUTO! GET DECENT! WE CAN SEE YOUR JUNK!" Kiba screeched, covering his eyes in agony. Everyone else did the same, except Shino, who was probably closing his eyes, but with those sunglasses...

"Quite an impeccable size for your age, Naruto." Everyone else gaped at the bug-user. He stared at each and every one of them. "What? I was just giving him a compliment."

Immensely bewildered by Shino's comment, Naruto quickly pulled his shirt down over his nether regions, stretching the very limits of the clothing's fabric as the collar tried to accommodate his hips. "Okay... um, I'm 'dressed' now."

Kiba and the rest lowered their guard, still somewhat weirded out by Shino's 'compliment'. Neji took this time to speak for the rest of the genin. "My Byakugan has been irreparably damaged by the sight of that... monster, and I have gone deaf from Shino's praise of it." Everyone except for Naruto and Shino nodded in agreement.

After a slight pause, Shikamaru gave his analysis of the situation inside Naruto's home. "Hm... since you aren't wearing any underwear or pants of any kind and that redheaded girl is sleeping on the couch there...that must mean—"

"NARUTO-KUN HAS BECOME A MAN AMONG MEN! HIS SPRINGTIME OF YOUTH HAS FLARED INTO THE ETERNALLY LONGED FOR, **SUMMERTIME OF MANHOOD**!" Lee screamed, popping everyone's eardrums. Neji picked his ear to quell the ringing inside his head.

"And this 'Summertime of Manhood' means...?"

"DUH! IT MEANS HE'S DONE THE NAAAASTYYYYY!" Chouji burst out as the camera zoomed in and out on him dramatically.

The other Genin, excluding Naruto, gasped in shock.

Kiba looked the blond up and down. He put one hand on one of the whiskered ninja's shoulders, staring at him with an air of seriousness.

"Is it true, Naruto? Have you become a man? Have you done _it_? Have you popped that girl's—"

"UM! I er... I dunno! I mean, I kind of blacked out when it happened..." Naruto announced, rubbing the back of his head sheepishly.

While Kiba was busy picking his jaw off the floor, Chouji, still in an uncharacteristic state of mind, stepped in to help Naruto jog his memory. "So you don't remember..._ anything_?" Naruto shook his head at the glutton. Chouji threw his hands (and bag of chips) into the air. "I GIVE UP!"

"That's not surprising..." Neji remarked as the bag of potato chips landed on his head. "..."

"Yosh! We should not question Naruto's experience! It is his alone to know how he achieved the 'Summertime of Manhood'! We must take our own paths! We must—" Shikamaru placed a hand on Lee's head, shutting down his train of thought.

"Continuing from where Lee left off, we must know who that girl you most probably slept with—"

"But she forced me—" Naruto started with a pointed finger.

"Sure that's what they all say..." Kiba interjected, shaking his head from side to side and rolling his eyes in disbelief.

Shikamaru sighed in annoyance. "Troublesome. To reiterate, we must know who that girl is."

"Must?" Naruto questioned, scratching the side of his head.

"Well, we're just curious and um—" Shikamaru began, having some trouble finding the right way to justify their actions.

"We're just looking out for your wellbeing." Shino finished. Shikamaru breathed a sigh of relief.

"Oh! Er... um... I... she is..."

"Yes...?" The group of males at his door leaned in as his voice took a dramatic drop in volume, except for Neji, who was strangling Chouji in the background but having some difficulty in doing so, the Akimichi's neck being a bit too thick.

"Unnn... Naruto-koi... your friends?" Naruto's eyes shifted off to his right, knowing Kyuubi was right behind him. He nodded stiffly in response. The boys' jaws dropped, including Neji and Chouji's, at the source of the new voice. "Hello, Naruto-koi's friends! my name is Kyuuko— though Naruto-koi's nickname for me is Foxy-kun, hee-hee—pleased to make your acquaintance."

"Naruto..._ koi_?" They repeated in unison, their hearts aflutter for the bombshell of a girl.

Kyuubi smiled at them warmly and nodded. "Yes, he and I are engaged, after all."

Naruto looked as flabbergasted as the rest of them were, though his face was scarlet in comparison to them. "We are?" He felt one of her tails clamp down on his mouth, though the other Genin couldn't see it.

"Yes. We are." 'Kyuuko' continued to smile in such a way that would make any stone cold, battle hardened man melt into a puddle.

Naruto stared at his friends blankly as they blindingly accepted 'Kyuuko' and her explanation for being in his apartment.

* * *

**END Chapter One** **– Sunday, June 15, 2008**


	2. The Trouble with Cherries

**Cherries**

* * *

**Chapter Two – The Trouble with Cherries**

* * *

"Ugh..." Sasuke rubbed his temples. It was a headache. An excruciatingly painful one at that.

The television was still on, making his electric bill grow slightly each minute it stayed on. Which didn't exactly help his situation at all. He had fallen asleep while watching a rather perplexing soap opera in which the wife of the main character was cheating on him with the dog and the garden hose. As he had also fallen asleep in the midst of charging dairy products into his mouth, there was some white residue on his upper lip that he didn't seem to notice was there. He looked out to the balcony.

Whoa.

He could've sworn that _Itachi,_ of all people, was waving at him from the platform, emptying a barrel of _gargantuan _honey bees into his apartment.

And from the looks of it, they were _pissed_.

Or hungry.

He couldn't tell. Then again, he could have been in a whipped cream delirium, for all he knew.

* * *

Too flustered to make any arguments, the clump of genins dispersed, each one of them congratulating Naruto and Kyuuko on their engagement in low voices. The couple waved at them as they crossed off into the distance; as soon as they were out of sight, Naruto was dragged back into his apartment, trying his best to free himself of the kitsune's hold on him, but to no avail.

Kyuuko chuckled maliciously as she bore into the boy with her blood red eyes.

"So... what do you want to name the baby? It's a girl, by the way."

Naruto ran out of usable consciousness!

... ... ... ...

Naruto blacked out!

* * *

With Neji having gone home to wash his hair, Lee leaving to run around Konoha seven thousand times in the hopes of achieving his own 'Summertime of Manhood', and Chouji needing to do some errands he forgot about, Shikamaru, Kiba and Shino were left to their own devices, still slowly walking along the main street of Konoha. There hadn't been a word between them since they left Naruto alone with Kyuuko, but Kiba decided to break the silence.

"Damn... I never knew Naruto had such a flippin' hot fiancée all this time!" Kiba exclaimed with envy in his voice, kicking a somewhat crushed soda can.

"Yeah..." Shikamaru drawled, looking up at the cloudless sky.

Shino merely nodded.

Suddenly, the three of them jumped back in alarm, as a pink blur appeared in front of them.

"Shikamaru! There you are! I was looking all over for you!" It was Sakura and she was panting heavily, head hung low with her hands on her knees. Quickly regaining her composure, she cleared her throat. "You've been summoned to the Hokage Tower!"

Shikamaru's eyebrow arched in interest. "Really? What for?"

Sakura shrugged unknowingly. "Heck should I know? Just get over there!"

The lazy genius bid his goodbyes to his two companions, thanked Sakura, and bounded off for the Tower.

Turning her head to Kiba and Shino, she rubbed her chin and narrowed her eyes at them. "What were you two guys doing with Shikamaru? You three don't normally hang out together..."

"Well—" Kiba started only to be cut off by a loud wailing in the distance that was quickly increasing in volume.

"HEY, FOREHEAD!" Ino shouted as she, Hinata and Tenten made their way over to the small group. "We were looking all over for you!"

"Huh? What for?" Sakura found a flimsy magazine thrust into her hands. "What's this—OH MY GOD!"

Ino grinned at her as she flipped through the pages. "I know, right? I heard from Sasuke-kun that Naruto bought all of the cherries yesterday, and I have a hunch that he did or is going to do the same thing, so the girls and I are gonna go investigate his house for any evidence! Wanna come with?"

"Eh? I don't know... I mean I don't really want to see Naruto... like _this_!" Sakura said, with her face contorted in disgust.

Tenten decided to explain. "Oh, I said the same thing, but then Ino proposed that we could Photoshop them and err..." Her face flushed as she imagined the sight. "I would've preferred Neji-kun to Naruto, but you gotta make do with what you have, don't you?"

Sakura pondered the idea. "Hmm..." Then she nodded excitedly. "Let's do it, girls!"

At this moment, Kiba decided to butt in and give the real story behind Naruto's excessive cherry purchases. "Well you see girls, Naruto bought those cherries for his fiancée—"

"NARUTO HAS A FIANCÉE?!" The girls screamed all at once, even Hinata shrieked (the loudest, might it be noted) before fainting in shock, startling the two boys and the villagers all around them.

Shino coughed in his fist. "I'm afraid I must go now, Kiba."

"What?! Why?" Kiba cried, obviously not wanting to be left with the group of erratic Genin girls.

"Well... I pissed myself in the frenzy, and so have my bugs. I need to go—"

"Okay, okay! Just go already, you're starting to stink up the place!" Kiba fanned the air around him, squeezing his nose. His teammate nodded his thanks and leapt off the ground.

The Inuzuka then turned opposite the girls. "Okay then, I think I'll go too—"

"NOT SO FAST!" The remaining three girls yelled, causing Kiba to mumble a curse.

"I suppose you wanna know about this fiancée, huh?"

The girls nodded.

"Or you'll cut my dick off one small piece at a time, am I right?"

The girls nodded.

"...I fucking hate when I'm right." Kiba sighed exasperatedly. "Well, name's Kyuuko... she's a redhead. Long hair, red eyes, little taller than Naruto, B or C cups, edging more over to the C category... She's well endowed for her age, I must say, unlike you ladies—"

Knuckles cracked.

Kiba's eyes darted nervously, and he continued, deciding not to pick up where he left off. "Er, she likes cherries and apparently they've done um..."

"Yes...?" They leaned in on him not unlike he and the other boys did to Naruto.

"They did..." Kiba cleared his throat ceremoniously. He'd been wanting to try this out for awhile.

"THE NAAAASTYYYYY!" He screamed abruptly, as the camera zoomed in and out on him. The girls were pale with shock, unable to respond to his sudden outburst.

"WHAT?!" screamed Hinata, who miraculously woke up that one moment, only to faint again in astonishment.

"Oh man, I wish she would stop doing that..." Kiba shook his head at his teammate, grabbing at his rapidly pumping heart. He closed his eyes and breathed heavily.

By now, the girls had their colors restored and were making their way to Naruto's house, Hinata's unconscious body now slung over Tenten's shoulder. Kiba, whose eyes were closed the entire time, ended up finding out that he was the only one left, and shrugged, starting off in his home's direction.

"Boy, girls sure are weird, huh Akamaru?"

No response.

"Akamaru?" Kiba reached into his jacket to pull his dog out... or a plushy of his dog, at least. His mouth went dry as his pupils shrank.

Mom and her ninwolf-pirate Kuromaru would tear his guts out through his ass.

He fell to his knees and threw his arms out at the sky. "AKAMARUUUU!"

* * *

Akamaru's ear flaps raised, thinking he heard someone cry his name. They dropped as he sulked in the darkness of the room, unable to move much due to ropes tying up his muzzle and limbs. Suddenly, the door opened, bringing light into the room.

A large figure lumbered over to him. Akamaru got a whiff of his scent. He recognized it, but just couldn't place a paw on whose it was.

"Oh man, oh man! Sorry, Kiba, but I just couldn't resist! I mean, Akamaru! You are one _hot_ dog! Man's best friend never looked so good! I could just eat you up this instant! But I don't like raw food... so I'll COOK YOU INSTEAD!"

Akamaru whimpered in fear as he was lifted up and out of the room and into a familiar looking kitchen...

* * *

Hyuuga Hanabi was your archetypal Hyuuga: cool, collected, arrogant; her older sister Hinata being the exception. But what the other members didn't know was her affinity for pranks. It was her way of trying to lighten _her_ mood within the household. She played favorites with her targets. Her favorite one being her cousin, Neji.

After hearing him mutter something about taking a shower to purge his hair of junk food oil, an ingenious idea called her to action.

A Neji without hair was a Neji without pride, really. And so she quickly replaced the boy's shampoo with leg hair remover.

Sitting in the mansion courtyard, a smirk flickered across Hanabi's face when she heard Neji scream incoherently as he ran throughout the estate, long strands of hair littering the floor behind him.

* * *

"Oh, my God." Sasuke gaped as he was tempted to touch the ridiculously huge bump on his head. It made his cranium seem larger than it was, he noted.

First off, the barrel of gargantuan honey bees was actually a barrel of _one_ gargantuan honey bee. And gargantuan it was. How it happened to go unnoticed by anyone at all as it flew out of his house was beyond him. Oh well, at least it was only _one_ of the damned things and not an _assload_ of them.

"Lalala..." Sasuke's eyes darted to and fro. Someone was in his bathroom, since well, no other room in his apartment really echoed like that.

The surviving Uchiha readied a kunai as he crept over to the bathroom door, which was slightly ajar, letting a sharp cone of light filter out. He clung to the wall, accidentally bumping his bee sting in the act, making his eyes well up in agony. As much as he wanted to scream bloody murder and rant about today's economy crisis, he shook off the pain and busted into the brightly bathroom.

"ALRIGHT—" Sasuke found himself unable to say anything further, because what he happened to stumble upon was—

"Why, hello there, foolish little brother."

Itachi taking a crap on his toilet.

* * *

Ino tapped her foot impatiently as she waited for Naruto or this so-called fiancée of his to answer the apartment door. "Geez, what's taking them so long?

"What if he's not home right now...?" Sakura wondered.

"Well, we could have Hinata take a look and see if he's there, since the window blinds are pulled over..." Tenten suggested, a tinge of pink lighting her cheeks at a dirty thought.

"But she's unconscious..." Ino lamented.

Just as they were about to give up and leave, the door opened to reveal a tousled Naruto in his typical orange jumpsuit, though it was opened to reveal the white T-shirt underneath. His forehead protector wasn't on his... forehead like it usually was, leaving his hair to clutter about on his brow.

"Hey, Sakura-chan, Ino-chan, Tenten-chan and err... Hinata-chan, even though you're asleep!"

Ino nodded in acknowledgement, and decided to get right to the point, ignoring Naruto's unusual appearance. "So Naruto, I heard from Sasuke-kun that you bought all of the cherries yesterday! Am I right?"

Naruto nodded.

"And I heard from Kiba that you bought all _eleven_ crates for your 'fiancee', am I right?"

Naruto nodded, much to the shock of the other girls. "Affirmative, Ino-chan!"

Sakura's voice quivered as she asked for clarification, "So you _do _have a fiancée...?"

"Yeah!"

Ino pressed further. "So... where is she? And why did she want all those cherries?"

Naruto pointed his thumb behind him. There she was sleeping on his couch on her side with her back turned to them. "Kyuuko likes her cherries! And I mean she _really _likes her cherries; she can eat them as fast as I can eat ramen!"

Sakura and Tenten's jaws dropped. Ino however, kept her cool. "That was consistent with what Kiba said... So it's Kyuuko, right?"

"Hasaki Kyuuko to be precise!"

"Hm... why haven't I seen her around before?"

"Oh, well she's recently come into town..."

Ino gaped. "Eh? And you're engaged already...?"

"Well actually, Kyuuko and I have been engaged since birth—"

"WHAAAAT?!" Ino's eyes darted around. Everyone turned to look at a red faced Hinata, who then suddenly slumped back into unconsciousness.

Naruto coughed into his fist. "Ahem... as I was saying, I just found out myself as she came to Konoha... seems she held all the papers and stuff all this time!"

Sakura nodded slowly in understanding. "Ah... that makes sense... but why would she wait all this time...?"

"It doesn't matter! What _does_ matter is that we're together at last!" Naruto beamed, hugging himself.

"Mm... where are these documents you speak of, Naruto?" Tenten questioned, shifting Hinata's body in her arms.

"Here!" Naruto chuckled as he summoned some official looking documents out of nowhere, which Ino and the other two read with utmost interest.

The girls stood up, still surprised by the truth of the matter. Ino spoke for all of them when she said, "Well, I'm convinced! Sorry for doubting you, Naruto..."

Naruto frantically waved his hands in front of him. "Oh no, it's alright! Just a slight misunderstanding, is all!"

Tenten coughed into her fist, as if implying her request for a question. "Naruto, Kiba also happened to mention that you and Kyuuko-san over there... um, did _it_."

"Hunh? Did what?"

"You know, _it_! Well, Kiba said 'the nasty' or something, but..."

"OH! Er, yeah, we did..."

"So, this might be kind of awkward coming from a girl to a _guy_, but um, how'd it feel? I mean, it _was _your _first_ time after all, so..." The other girls were dying to know this little tidbit of information too, wearing slightly perverted grins on their faces as they awaited his answer.

Naruto rubbed the back of his head sheepishly just like he had done with the genin boys. "Well, I really don't know! My mind draws a blank every time I try to remember it! Must've fainted or something while it went down..."

The perverse, inquisitive grins died down.

"Oh... well I guess that's understandable, after all..." Ino didn't bother ending her sentence, not knowing what she would finish it off with anyway.

After they bid their goodbyes, with Tenten mumbling something to the other girls about how Hinata would react, Naruto walked back into the apartment, sighing in relief as he stood in front of Kyuuko's sleeping body. "Heheheh... I can't believe they fell for that hole-riddled explanation! But then again, it's Naruto... or so they thought! I sure do _love_ fox magic!"

* * *

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE _YOU_ DOING HERE, ITACHIII?!" Sasuke questioned loudly, pointing at his brother for dramatic effect.

"Why, I'm defecating on your rather well-kept toilet. What does it look like?" Itachi casually said, as he wiped his bum with the ENTIRE FREAKING ROLL of toilet paper.

"Well, I can see that... wasting my fucking toilet paper," Sasuke mumbled. Then he realized something. "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING, TAKING A CRAP ON _MY_ TOILET?!"

"Burrito," He said vaguely as he stood up from the toilet seat and pulled his pants up under his cloak.

"Ugh, I noticed... fish burrito..." Sasuke grunted as he held his nose with a grimace.

"Oh no, that's not me," Itachi told him, pulling the shower curtains aside to reveal, "That's Kisame."

"Yo." The shark man greeted. He was just sitting in the water filled tub with his cloak still on.

Sasuke backed away, eying the partners. "Let me guess, if you and sushi are here, you must be after Naruto, to drag him back to your place so you can bring light into your dark, sexless lives."

Itachi shook his head. "Ah, while that may have been the case in our last meeting, Kisame and I are here at _your_ house for an entirely different purpose."

"And what might that be?"

"Why, to see you, little brother."

"That's bullshit!" Sasuke spat. "Tell me the real reason you're here!"

"That was the reason. You see, I've gotten wind of your... exploits in this magazine." Itachi held a magazine to his little brother's face, which was folded back to reveal his naughty photos. The elder Uchiha had his head turned to the right, eyes closed. "I thought it would be a shame for the sole surviving Uchiha to choose homosexuality over reviving his clan... so Kisame and I came to try and convince you otherwise."

Kisame snorted. "Ha, gay!"

Sasuke ignored the shark man's quip. He addressed his brother directly.

"WHAT?! Why the hell do _you_ of all people, care whether or not I'm..." Itachi raised an eyebrow at Sasuke, beckoning for him to continue on with his little tirade. "I'M NOT GAY! I'M JUST WAITING FOR THE RIGHT PERSON TO COME ALONG!" He might as well have addressed the other issues he had with Itachi, while he was at it. "AND HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET THAT MAGAZINE, AND WHY DID YOU UNLEASH A GIANT BEE INTO MY ROOM?!"

"Hm... denial is the first step into admitting that you're gay, Sasuke, and what I'm trying to do is get you straight. As for how I got the magazine, I purchased it on the way to Konoha." Sasuke mentally ruled him out as the person who stole the copy that was lying on his bed. "And the bee? I needed to let off some stress via comic relief."

This was true, though Itachi just sort of... stood there on the balcony quietly instead of bursting out in maniacal laughter.

"..." Sasuke's eyes darkened over. His right arm crackled with lightning energy, making sounds akin to a thousand birds chirping. "You _fucking asshole!_ _CHIDORI!_"

He lunged at Itachi, intent on striking him through the heart...

...Only to get caught by the wrist. Just like the last time he tried it.

"You tried this last time. It didn't work then, and it didn't work this time." Itachi lifted his little brother's still crackling arm into the air along with him and started to wave him around in the air madly.

Quickly satisfied as the energy in Sasuke's hand died, Itachi held his brother up as high as he could—and dropped him.

"OW! MY ASS! FUCK YOU, ITACHI!"

Itachi shook his head at him. "Ah, but to the contrary, that is what it'll feel like when you'll be taking it up the bum. Do you understand, foolish little brother? Why I'm doing this?"

"Because you're a jerk?"

"No, it's because I'm trying to make you into a normal, straight, and foolish little boy."

"Hahaha! Little!" Kisame jeered, throwing his head back as he laughed his ass off.

"Quiet, Kisame. Now then Sasuke, come with me into the kitchen. You too, Kisame. We'll discuss this matter further in there."

As much as Sasuke wanted to Chidori his older brother into next week, he couldn't (not because he would fail just as much as the last times he'd done it, though he didn't know that), with Itachi's finned partner flanking him.

"Have a seat, Sasuke." Sasuke took a seat at the counter. Itachi and Kisame went on to the kitchen sink, turning the room's lights along the way, despite the relatively good lighting from the sun that was sinking into the horizon. The former simply turned the faucet on to the maximum extent and stared on expressionlessly, as the water emptied into the drainage pipe. "Stand here, Kisame."

Sasuke watched them. "What the hell are you doing?" He asked.

Itachi ignored his foolish little brother as he opened both compartments of the refrigerator. He stuck his head into the main storage compartment for a little while before pulling out a carton of milk and placing it on the table without a glass to accompany it.

"Have some milk." Itachi said tonelessly, ushering the carton towards Sasuke.

"Why the fuck did you just turn the lights and the sink on, and leave the refrigerator doors open?" Sasuke asked, subconsciously taking the carton in hand and opening it.

"Electric bill. What else?" He replied with the same monotony.

Sasuke had the carton in his mouth, chugging the milk down. Suddenly, he stopped, slamming the carton on the table. His eyes were tearing, and his mouth looked crooked in disgust. Itachi stated vaguely, "Cod liver oil."

Sasuke twitched visibly. His eyes were bloodshot. He wanted to throw up, but the liver oil seemed to have glued his mouth shut. Eventually, he forced himself to swallow the accursed concoction.

"Now then..." Itachi began, as Sasuke gasped for air, unable to glare at his evil brother.

"You take dirty pictures of yourself and send them off somewhere... The pictures get printed, and some people you don't know, though you don't care, as long as you get your money, get some pleasure out of your naked image... so in essence, you're whoring yourself out to the masses. Do you know who your pimp, or the owner of magazine is?"

Sasuke shook his head.

"I thought so. You'll be shocked to hear this, but the owner of that particular magazine is..."

Sasuke felt the liver oil spring up his throat.

* * *

Naruto woke up with a start, with Kyuuko in front of him, tipping back and forth on her heels.

"Good evening, Naruto-koi... so, have you thought about our baby girl's name yet?"

Naruto's eyes widened. He suddenly remembered why he fainted in the first place.

"S-so... it's r-real?!" He sputtered.

Kyuuko chuckled warmly. "Ahaha... nope."

Naruto fainted. Again.

"Not for now, at least. Hahahaha..."

* * *

Kiba sat at a round table, with Shino, Shikamaru and Lee sitting with him. They were at Chouji's family restaurant once more to celebrate Shikamaru's recent promotion to Chuunin, awaiting their food orders. Lee reported that Neji wasn't feeling too good, and he left it at that. Chouji was still in the kitchen, and Naruto and Sasuke weren't answering their phones. Kiba was still sulking over the loss of his dog, having only his chin on the table. He hadn't gone home yet since he found his dog missing, loathing the time when he was going to have to face his crazy, bloodthirsty mom and her one-eyed, one-eared ninwolf.

The group of four didn't really have any topics of discussion outside of Naruto and his having a fiancée, so they remained silent until something barged out of the kitchen.

"ARF, ARF!"

Kiba's eyes lit up as his dog bounded up over the table and into his arms. "AKAMARU! I'M SO GLAD TO SEE YOU, TOO!"

"ARGH! I can't believe I let him get away!" A voice cried. The source of the voice revealed itself to be Chouji, who was making his way out of the kitchen. "Now where is that damn dog!?"

"ARF, ARF! GRR..."

"What? You're saying _Chouji_ tried to cook you, but _phailed?_" Akamaru barked in response. Kiba glared at the big boy. "CHOUJI! HOW COULD YOU?!"

"I-I-I..." Chouji stammered, unable to get any other words out in his state of shock.

At that moment, a group of four familiar looking Genin girls burst into the restaurant. At the head of the group was Ino, who walked over to the guys' table and announced excitedly, "Hey guys! Did you know that Naruto and his fiancée were engaged from birth?"

"WHAT?!"

"Huh? I thought you guys knew..."

Shikamaru grunted. "Hm... looks like there's more to this than we're being led on to..."

"Hey, what about Chouji trying to cook Akamaru—GET THE FUCK BACK HERE, FATSO! I'LL GUT YOU LIKE THE PIG YOU ARE WHEN I GET AHOLD OF YOU!"

"So, Chouji tried to cook Akamaru?" Ino asked inquisitively.

Shino nodded. "So it seems."

"Huh."

* * *

**END Chapter Two** **– Saturday, June 21, 2008  
**


	3. Cherry Soup

**Cherries**

* * *

**Author's Notes?!**

* * *

Sasuke whipped a memo out of nowhere. Lifelessly, he read aloud, "Sorry about this. I mean, updating this late. You all must want my head, eh? Well… that's all I've got to say about that. As for the chapter itself, well, it's really kind of a 'filler' chapter, but it gets the job done either way. And that's that for this little segment of 'Author's Notes'. Brought to you by none other than me, the great, the awesome, Uchiha Sasuke! WOOO!"

"GET OFF THE STAGE, SASUKE! YOU'RE HOGGING THE SPOTLIGHT MEANT FOR THE PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY DESERVE IT!"

"FUCK YOU, NARUTO!"

"Now, now, why don't you two just… SHUT THE HELL UP SO WE CAN START THIS CHAPTER, EH?!"

The genin boys nodded frantically. "Yes, Kakashi-sensei!"

"…Good!"

* * *

**Chapter Three – Cherry Soup**

* * *

Neji sauntered out into the streets of Konoha, ignoring Hinata's meek greeting as he went out the door. Today would be a very rough day for him. A very rough day indeed for a bald Hyuuga.

While it was hard enough to find a wig vendor in town, it was even harder to look inconspicuous among a crowd. Especially as a bald Hyuuga. Children would gawk at him and point, asking their mothers, "Mommy, mommy! What's that?"

The mothers would cheerily reply, "Why, that's a bald Hyuuga, dear. Also known as a freak of nature!"

"Can I go catch it?"

"Sure you can! Here's a butterfly net. Bag that bald Hyuuga!"

Then after seeing and hearing this, other children would chase after him, trying to capture this 'freak of nature'. In time, the horde of children would become fairly noticeable that, perhaps one of the genin he knew would witness the sight and tell the others. Flustered, Neji would try to stop said genin and get himself caught by one of the children in the frenzy.

In the end, Neji would truly be spending the rest of his life as a caged bird.

Good god.

Neji shuddered at the thought.

In all seriousness, he really didn't want his fellow genin (and one chuunin) to know about his condition, even though Hinata did—but she definitely wouldn't say anything; too out of character for her. He would just have to hide himself as well as he could for the day…

He could've just cloaked his appearance with Henge, but then again, he _was _a freak of nature—ahem, a bald Hyuuga. He wouldn't know otherwise.

* * *

"Hey, you're not going to uh, get me into bed or make me faint again, are you?"

"No, doing either of those things right now would be counter-productive. I've gotten most of the former out of my system anyway. We're going shopping."

"What?! But I don't have anymore money!"

"Well then, we'll just have to find an alternative method, won't we? You're a ninja, right?"

"Oh no…"

* * *

Sasuke awoke to find Itachi right in his face. He tried to back away, only to fall with his chair. From the ground, he pointed at his brother, frantically asking, "You're still here?!"

"Yes, I am. Isn't that evident by me standing here, in your apartment, right across from you?" Itachi picked Sasuke's chair off the ground and smacked him over the head with it, causing him to cry out in agony. "Now that you're awake, we'll be leaving."

"Itachi… you bastard…" The traitorous Uchiha lifted Sasuke off the ground and casually threw him out the open kitchen window. "AAAAAAAH!"

Itachi poked his head out the window, staring down at his brother's twitching body. "Perhaps you'll think twice about submitting photos to that magazine, now that you know who owns it." He put his pointer on his chin, as if he were considering saying something else. "Oh, and your electric bill has come in. It's fairly high, if I do say so myself."

A slip of paper came fluttering out the window, landing squarely on Sasuke's face. Itachi pulled his head back into the apartment.

Kisame looked at his partner strangely. "Uh, I know I'm not one to ask about these things, but was all that really necessary?"

"No, Kisame. I could've just told him without all the hassle, but what kind of evil, older brother would I be if I hadn't done such things?"

"Oh… okay, I guess."

"Now, let's go. We have the Kyuubi's jinchuuriki to take care of."

"I thought you said we were only here to take care of your brother's gayness."

"Perhaps."

"What do you mean, 'Perhaps'? You totally said that!"

"Totally said what, Kisame?"

"…Nevermind, let's just go…"

"Good to know you see things my way, Kisame."

"…" The partners silently left the building, leaving all electric and water appliances on, as well as purposely neglecting to close Sasuke's apartment door after them.

* * *

The Rookie Twelve, sans Naruto, Sasuke and Neji, walked in a clump, all in the midst of discussion.

"In total, there are four seasons in our youthful lives: the Springtime of Youth, Summertime of Manhood, Autumn of Midlife Crisis, and the Winter of our Discontent!" Lee piped exuberantly.

Kiba gawked at him. "Autumn of Midlife Crisis? Lee, are you on crack?"

Lee tilted his head in confusion. "Crack? What is this 'crack' you speak of?"

Kiba shook his head ashamedly. "Nevermind… So, why are we going to Sasuke's house again?"

"Sasuke-kun saw Naruto right before he came to my family's shop. He might have gotten some more info from him, though I doubt it's something we don't already know. But it doesn't hurt to try…" Ino said.

"That, and he's not answering his home or cell phone…" Sakura mentioned, waiting on her call to get through for the umpteenth time. "Hey, he picked up on his cell!" She put the speakerphone on. "Hello? Sasuke-kun?"

"_Hello," _said a voice matured farther than Sasuke's. _"You must be Sasuke's foolish little friends."_

Lee was bewildered. "Foolish?"

Kiba was enraged. "LITTLE?! IS HE REFERRING TO OUR—"

Shikamaru was blunt. "Only _you _and _you alone_ would think that, you dumbass."

"Uhm, who is this?" Sakura asked, gesturing for the three idiots to shut up.

"_Why, I am Uchiha Itachi." _All of the genin and the one chuunin gasped in unison for some unknown reason.

"_You know, the guy who killed the entire Uchiha clan, save for his little brother, Sasuke." _Said another, deeper voice. Now the rookies knew why they had gasped.

"OH SHIT, HANG UP, HANG UP! HE'S GONNA COME OVER HERE AND KILL US ALL!" Kiba screeched.

Ino backhanded him across the face. "Shut up, Kiba! He might actually do that!"

"_Actually…"_

"CRUD, YOU'VE REALLY DONE IT NOW, PEANUT BRAIN!" Ino angrily stomped Kiba into the ground.

"Geez you guys, just calm down…" Tenten groaned, pinching the bridge of her nose in annoyance.

"_Kisame will be the one to kill you all."_

"_Huh? Why do _I_ have to do it?"_

"_Because you're into that kind of stuff, remember?"_

"_Uh, I don't feel up to it right now, Itachi…"_

"_You disappoint me, Kisame."_

"_Ugh…"_

"_Now then…"_

The rookies scratched their heads in bewilderment. Sakura furrowed her brow in a mix of feelings wavering between fear and bewilderment. "Okay… uhm, Itachi-san, why do you have Sasuke's phone?"

"_The question is not about why I have his phone, but about who pays the phone bills every month."_

"Uh… I don't know to respond to that…" Sakura grimaced, squinting at the phone in confusion.

"Simply put, where's Sasuke if you have his phone?" Shino questioned bluntly.

"_Hm… I threw him out the window of his apartment, so he must lying some hundred and fifty feet or so east of an apartment complex overflowing with water."_

Kiba dusted himself. "Woah, he threw his little brother out of—"

"HIS APARTMENT BUILDING?! SASUKE-KUN, WE'RE COMING!" Sakura and Ino both cried, bolting in the direction of Sasuke's apartment.

"I don't suppose we need anymore information from Itachi-san, do we?" Tenten held up Sakura's phone, her finger threatening to push the hang-up button.

Shikamaru shook his head. "Nope, not unless we want him to somehow track us back to our location and do God-knows-what to us."

"Ok!" Click.

"You know, I think we were better off _not _calling Sasuke…" Shino said, quaking in his boots.

"Why's—munch—that?" Chouji asked.

"Err…" Hinata was literally a stone statue, a cold hand with black nail-polish on her shoulder.

"Hello. Tsukuyomi."

"Itachi… is any of this necessary at all? If we're here for the Kyuubi, we should just go for it instead of—"

"Shut up, Kisame. I'm having a moment here."

"Sigh…"

--

"Where is he? Itachi-san said he'd be around here…" Ino and Sakura had uprooted every tree, turned over every rock and explored every nook and cranny there was around the flooded building, yet Sasuke was nowhere to be found.

"I-Itachi..."

"EH?! WHAT WAS THAT?!" Ino jumped into her best friend's arms.

"I can't believe..."

"EE—" Sakura clasped her hand over the blonde's mouth.

"SHH! That sounds like..."

"Ugh..."

"SASUKE!" Sakura ran over to the raven-haired boy that had been leaning against a nearby tree all along, with a piece of paper stuck to his face.

Sasuke's electric bill fell to the ground, giving him a slightly blurred view of two girls; one of them carried the other in her arms. "What is this... am I dead? Have I... been sent to the land of lesbians?!"

Sakura twitched upon hearing her crush proclaim his place in some 'land of lesbians'. Almost immediately, her free arm lashed out and struck him across the face, bringing him back to the land of the sane.

"Sakura! What the hell are you doing? You just hit Sasuke-kun!"

The bubblegum-haired girl snapped back into reality, looking at her hand. Slowly, she realized what she had just done. "Omigosh! I'm so sorry, Sasuke-kun! I didn't mean to do something like that!" She bowed her head in shame.

"Damn right you didn't mean it!" Ino yelled in her face. Her best friend and rival met her eyes.

"...Why am I still carrying you?" Sakura let her drop to the ground unceremoniously. Looking back, she noticed that Sasuke was limping away, electric bill in hand, towards the building that was practically one giant water fountain. "Sasuke-kun, where are you going? That must've been some mean drop..."

"Yeah, hard to believe your brother would do such a thing... then again, he did do _that_..." Ino added, rubbing her sore behind.

"Sasuke-kun? Say something..."

"Look at that," Sasuke pointed at the building in front of him, his back turned to the two girls. "I have to handle it."

"Oh! We can help..."

"No, my brother did this... and only I can fix it..." Without another word, Sasuke trudged off.

"By the way Sasuke-kun, did you know that Naruto has a fiancée?" The Uchiha stopped in his tracks. For some inconveniently strange reason, Ino had decided to break the news to him at that exact moment.

"Hm... tell me more..." Sasuke beckoned for them to follow him into his apartment building.

The two girls, as if having anticipated this particular scenario in their lives, looked each other in the eyes and nodded, leapt off the ground and ran after the vengeful boy.

* * *

Naruto's eyes darted to and fro in an uneasy manner as he noticed envious glares being sent his way from males and females alike as he and a certain fox walked through the crowd. He tapped his red-haired companion on the shoulder.

"Say, are you sure we should be walking around like this?"

"What do you mean?" Kyuuko watched him from the corner of her eye.

"I mean, people are looking at me and you just like how I look at ramen..."

The Kyuubi sighed. "Deal with it. You should feel proud to be out with somebody like me."

"Yeah, sure..." Naruto looked off to the side grudgingly, only to face the sky when his jaw met with the crook of Kyuuko's palm. Lowering his head slowly, he clutched at his mouth, crying, "Owies..."

"Hmph!"

--

_Dammit, who the hell sells wigs in this damnable village? _Neji seethed mentally from his spot in a tree, using his Byakugan to seek out proprietors of said goods. Eventually, he stopped at a certain yellow and orange blur. "That must be Naruto... and his fiancée! Hm... since I can't seem to find any wig vendors in the vicinity, I might as well follow those two; perhaps tracking them will lead me to where I want to go."

"Mommy, mommy! This tree is talking!"

"Perhaps I should also remedy this thing where I keep talking to myself in public." Neji nodded to himself and suddenly fell back... into a trash can.

"Mommy, mommy! What's that?"

_...Ah, crud._

--

"Hey, where'd you get all that money from?" Naruto gasped, struggling to keep several bags of clothing in his arms.

"Yes." Kyuuko said simply.

"What? That's not a valid answer…"

"Yes."

"I don't under… you know what? Forget it! I'm better off not knowing these things."

"Good."

After several moments of awkward silence between them—at least in Naruto's case, as Kyuuko was just dandy—Naruto finally spoke up again. "Hey, if you can do that money thing, can you help me out here with _your_ clothes?"

"Hm…" The redhead toyed with the thought. "No."

"NO?! THIS STUFF WEIGHS LIKE A TON!"

"Think of it as training. It'll make you stronger. Now come. Let's go see a movie."

"Ugh… first this, then that!"

"Hahaha! Story of my life, sweetums."

--

Neji walked quickly among the rooftops, aligning himself with the couple down on the streets. "Luckily for me, I thought of a solution should such a scenario actually come to fruition. Unskilled village children."

He stopped as soon as he saw Naruto and Kyuuko heading into the movie theater; the flick of the day being 'Icha Icha Nightmare'. "Going into an R-rated movie at their ages? Such uncouth behavior… of a beautiful mistress such as herself. Doesn't surprise me that Naruto's doing something like this, though."

Leaping to the ground, Neji pulled out a comb and slicked his hair back, only to remember that he was a bald Hyuuga. Depressed, he purchased his ticket—unopposed due to the clerk feeling pity for the teen—and dragged himself inside.

* * *

Kakashi snatched the seat closest to the screen, anxiously waiting for the movie to start.

"…You could've done that in the first place, you know." That was a familiar voice.

"Like I said, training." Not so much.

"Ah, Naruto! …What are _you_ doing here in an R-rated movie? And who's this young lady?"

"Oh hey, Kakashi-sensei! I didn't expect to see _you _here!" Naruto exclaimed sheepishly.

"Oh really?" said Kakashi, biggest fan of the Icha Icha series EVER.

"Yeah…"

"So, you mind explaining yourself?"

"Uhh…" Naruto nervously cocked his head from side to side, trying to think of an answer. Since Kakashi knew all about the Kyuubi and was way smarter than him, he would have some trouble getting around the question directed at him. So he looked at his so-called fiancée for an answer. She merely nodded at him. Feelings of doom and gloom in his heart arose to unspeakable heights. Then he finally came up with an answer. An answer very… vague. "…Yes."

"Yes? That's all you have to say to that?" Kakashi inquired skeptically, his exposed eye lazily scanning his student for any answers he might dig up in the process.

Naruto nodded wearily. He was practically drowning in a pool of his own sweat. Kakashi clapped his hands together. "Okay then! Now sit down, the movie's about to start!"

--

"I like movies. Do you like movies, Kisame?"

"Err, I thought we were going to get the Kyuubi?"

"Well you thought wrong, Kisame."

"Goddamn you, Itachi! Are we ever going to get around to the objective at hand, or what?!"

"Now that's not a very nice thing to say to your superior. Please apologize to me, Kisame."

"I don't believe this…"

"Apologize! Now!"

"Oh good god, I'm sorry! Geez! Are all you Uchihas like this?"

"Only the sane ones."

"…If that's the case, all of the insane ones are the closest to being normal."

"All of the insane ones are dead. I killed them."

"…"

* * *

Shikamaru staggered to his knees, trying his best to calm the raging storm in his head. "Oh man, that was horrible… I was in the meeting room of the Women's Association of Konoha (WAK), and they were all nagging me to high heaven…"

"Mine was worse! I was in a world with no food, and everyone was anorexic and just puking everywhere and—oh GOD, that was the worst experience I've ever had in my entire life!" Chouji blubbered, emptying countless bags of potato chips into his mouth.

"All my bugs were stomped on right in front of me. _Very_ slowly." Shino mumbled lowly.

"Chouji was roasting Akamaru on an outdoor grill, singing 'Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire' OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN WHILE I WAS TIED TO A CHAIR AND FORCED TO WATCH! IT WAS HORRIBLE! HORRIBLE I TELLS YA'!" Kiba was curled up into the fetal position, hugging Akamaru tightly. Said canine was foaming at the mouth and looked like he was crying.

"Man, your experiences make mine so… miniscule in comparison. I was in a world where I just randomly popped out of existence, and nobody noticed…" Tenten hung her head, grimly sharpening one of her kunai.

"ARGH! I WAS IN AN UNYOUTHFUL PLACE WHERE EVERYBODY WAS UNYOUTHFULLY NAKED AND DOING THE MOST DASTARDLY OF DEEDS! I WISH I COULD RID MYSELF OF SUCH HORRIBLE MEMORIES!" Lee cried, doing cartwheels, somersaults, anything to get his mind off the topic.

"…" Hinata just hid her flushed face. Out of all of the visions each genin (and that one chuunin) received, hers was the most… desirable. Yes, as long as it was Naruto, she actually wanted to be r—

--

"There, all done." Sasuke sighed, wringing his hands dry as the last of Itachi's mess was cleaned up. Then he did something unbecoming of an Uchiha like himself. "Thanks for your help."

_Holy shit,_ Sakura and Ino shared the same thoughts. _He actually thanked us!_

"Now then, what's this I hear about Naruto having a fiancée?" The two girls both turned to stone and shattered into a million bits and pieces.

_He wasn't listening to us while we were helping him clean up…_

So they both explained the situation to him. For the umpteenth time. When they finished, Sasuke nodded in understanding.

"So, do you know anything? I know you met Naruto at Fruit Mart before coming to my shop…"

"Naruto _did _say something about getting his balls chopped off…" Sasuke strained his words as the sentence came to a close, as if sympathizing with the pain such an action would bring, were it to actually happen to his fellow man.

"Balls?"

_Oh goddammit Sakura, you have got to be kidding me here… You're supposed to be the smart one._ "You know… uh…" Sasuke tried to think of a way to explain the body in the least embarrassing way possible. He gulped, forming one of his hands into an egg-like shape. "His… huevos."

"…Huevos?" Ino, unfamiliar with the Spanish term, turned to Sakura for help, who seemed to get the gist of what Sasuke was saying.

"O-oh! His… his…" Sakura found herself unable to finish up, a hue of pink on her face.

"His what? Tell me already!"

"His testicles, okay?! HIS GODDAMN TESTICLES!"

"Okay, okay! Geez!" Ino rubbed her temples for a second. "…You know, I find it pretty ironic that we threatened Kiba with cutting his dick off like a sausage… yet we didn't get the meaning of 'balls'…"

"Mmrgh…" Sasuke was trembling slightly at the thought of his own… 'third leg' in a manner of speaking, being cut off like that.

"Hm… I guess that's all we needed from you…"

"Yeah…"

"I guess we'll be going now…"

"Yeah…"

"Oh, now I remember something! Sasuke, you know, I found out about the photos you took for the magazine, and I just want to—"

"NO! NOOOOO!" Sasuke fell to his knees, clutching his ears. He did NOT want to be reminded about that sleazy little magazine he used to shoot photos for, especially since the owner of said magazine was— "NONONONONONO!"

"E-eh?! What is it, Sasuke-kun? I was just gonna tell you how good you looked—"

"NoooOOoOARUgaBLaGhaAHHhh…" Sasuke fell flat on his face, the foam from his mouth gathering into a puddle around his head.

"OMIGOD, SASUKE-KUN!"

"HOLY SHIT! HE'S GONE INTO CARDIAC ARREST!"

"WHAT DO WE DO, WHAT DO WE DO?!"

* * *

**END Chapter Three ****– Friday, July 25, 2008****  
**

* * *

**NOTES OF THE END?!**

* * *

"Okay, so it looks like I get to wrap things up here, huh?" Naruto read off of a cue card. "I'm sorry that after all that waiting, that you got a relatively short chapter compared to the ones before it! I don't think I've put the best of my writing skills into this piece, either… But rest assured! I shall return shortly… with a much bigger chapter! SERIOUSLY, GUYS. I'll do my best to satiate your reading needs next chapter!"

"Thanks for reading, and good riddance! BWAHAHAHA!"

"BOO, GET OFF THE STAGE, ASSHOLE!"

"Shut up, foolish little brother. You have no say in the matter."

"Kiss my ass, Itachi."

"I think Kisame would be better suited for the job."

"Hey, hey, hey! Don't drag me into family affairs!"**  
**


End file.
